This is one of my favorite pictures of me, maybe two or three years old
There is little doubt that the hand I have personally been dealt lately kind of stinks. In the grand scheme of things, the fate of one little old lady doesn't matter so much...and I am concerned about the world situation like everyone else. I am learning though, through all of this how feeling helpless to do things for myself, makes the burden of both my personal situation and the world even heavier.
It is the nature of small children to be trying to do things themselves. I remember when my kids were little and I would be trying to get them dressed and off somewhere, for example. and they would insist "me do it". I often let them, which resulted in some of the most interesting outfits ever created, but I digress.
What I didn't realize, is that though I can't speak for other adults, it is also MY nature to want to do things for myself. This came as somewhat of a surprise to me. For a long time I have been more focused on doing things in service of others....students, family, etc. I often thought, I just wish someone would wait on me. Be very careful what you wish for.
Chemo tired
When I was first diagnosed with cancer and started chemo, I would get so tired...some of the meds drove my blood sugar through the roof which added to the effect. And I was grateful that when I ran out of steam, there was either my wife or a family member around to help me.
First walk post surgery
Then, out of the blue, I had an arterial blood clot in my left lower leg and had to have emergency surgery to repair it. While they had me on my feet, getting to the bathroom and sort of shuffling down the hospital hall within hours, my mobility had (has) been seriously impaired. This came as quite a blow for someone who was doing races only days before.
Needing help to get out of the chair and hobbling back and forth to the bathroom as my major form of exercise got old VERY fast. Relying on others for most everything else, though I appreciated the help and they did it gladly, made me feel whiny and demanding.
The PT at the hospital told us the best way to to get the strength back was to walk (with a cane or on a bad day a walker), but it was sore and it seemed SOOOOO hard. Still, I have been an athlete and I knew that nothing ventured, everything lost. It just doesn't do itself.
What could I do? Motivation was hard. Well, first of all I asked for PT...which my oncologist actually ordered, though the vascular surgeon would have done so at the next visit. They were in quite close contact. By late the afternoon that the order was put in I had a PT who is also a teacher/researcher at UW and who works with some complex cases. He helped me learn how to understand the ups and downs in strength and ability that chemo and crazy blood sugars will cause.
Being put through the paces at the PT gym
But even before that, I decided to call on my sense of humor, and my closet full of costumes. Glenda and I did a rendition of "Putting on the Ritz" as Frankenstein and the monster (not included here) to honor my staples and walking with a cane.
I put on rabbit ears and declared, "Rabbits, always hopping, never stopping!" as I limped around the kitchen table.
Never stoppin'
As the cabin fever took hold, I decided to try a walk in the driveway in lieu of a one mile race I was signed up to do for a virtual challenge. The race was called The Tin Man's Heart and, naturally there were costumes. I have to wonder what people driving by must've thought, but mostly I was excited that I had walked for 5 and a half minutes straight and with lots of help made it back up the stairs and into the house.
Tin man's got heart and so do I
Meanwhile, the PT suggested that for mental health reasons, as well as physical ones it would be good to get outside or at least out of the house more often, so long as we could do so safely. Once we finally had a warm (50 degree) day, we did an outside walk. Never was any walk more glorious! I went 10 minutes without having to stop or sit. Glenda followed with a wheelchair, in case. This walk gave me confidence that I could do it. It made me start thinking about how I could carry things, do more things for myself. It made me feel strong.
Best walk ever!
I started trying things, getting things for myself, taking a few extra steps whenever I got up to do something. And my mood improved immensely. I didn't feel whiny and demanding any more. I felt more able to cope with all the crazy. Do I still need help? Yes, notably with stairs and with getting my socks and shoes on and with showering because I'm not completely steady on my feet. My stamina needs improving, I wear out quickly especially in the days post chemo. But do I think I CAN do it and get back to at least some self-care and physical activity? YES YES YES and that makes all the difference.
Bonus, today's mall walk, too icy to walk outside
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